Provoke the Swiss

Okay, let's start off gently with a game that everyone can play here in Switzerland: Provoke the Swiss. It's a very simple game, with very few rules. All of the materials required are provided by the Swiss themselves and are hence paid for from tax contributions and the willingness of Swiss women to reproduce. And of course the willingness of males to assist in the reproductive process, albeit brief and fuelled by some of the worst beer in the world.

The aim:

To provoke a reaction from Swiss natives: it can be any kind of reaction, although each is scored differently:

1. Confusion: 1 point per person confused (lose one point if that person is you);

2. Outrage: again one point per person, this time you don't lose a point if that person is you, because you probably are Swiss and need all the help available;

3. Puzzlement: 2 points, if you manage to puzzle a Swiss person it's because you've managed to target one of the intelligent ones (fact: there are more lakes in Finland than Swiss university graduates);

4. Panic: 3 points for fucking with someone's mind;

5. Panic and confusion: 5 points, based on the observation that I've seen this once during my ten months here;

6. Any other reaction: points to be awarded based on the reaction. The blog writer's decision is final.

The playing area:

Any light controlled pedestrian crossing. Zebra crossings are out-of-bounds for this game, as are motorways, railway lines and deep water.

Equipment:

1. A pedestrian crossing at which the light is red for pedestrians;

2. An absence of vehicles approaching the crossing;

3. At least one Swiss person waiting to cross the road;

4. A mobile phone with a camera or, for those still living in 2008, a camera (optional).

How to play:

1. Pay special attention to point #2 in “Equipment” above. It is not the intention of the game that participants are injured or killed as a result of playing. Unless you've ever written “ur cmnts r so gay” on any website, in which case please note that point #2 under “Equipment” should read “A large and heavy vehicle speeding toward the crossing”;

2. Having made sure that you can safely cross the road, do so;

3. Watch and record, by any means possible, the reaction of those across the road from you.

How to win:

This is a liberal tree-hugging hippy game. The first person to reach 100 points, verified by a panel of independent non-judgemental persons of colour, will be invited to a group hug and a cup of camomile tea.

And don't forget that this simple game can provide hours of good clean fun for very little money.

A cautionary note:

This activity is not without its dangers. There is a possibility, albeit very slight, that a policeman or policewoman will catch you in this act of civil disobedience. Although crossing-the-road-on-red is not a criminal offence in Switzerland you will be subjected to a lecture in Swiss-German about the perils of your action and how it could lead to a complete breakdown of polite society, possibly even anarchy. If I had to choose between an invasive body search by DEA officers and a five minute lecture in Swiss-German it would be a difficult one to call. Think “Vogon Poetry”.